(all,funny,death)
"I want to die in my sleep peacefully, like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror, like his passengers."

(all,funny,science)
"Curiosity was framed; ignorance killed the cat."

(all,funny,stupidity,god)
"God must love stupid people; He made so many."

(all,funny,wisdom)
"When your only tool is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail."

(all,funny,science,religion,god)
"God is not dead but alive and well and working on a much less ambitious project."

(all,politics)
"There are 4 boxes to use in the defense of liberty: soap, ballot, jury, ammo. Use in that order."

(all,funny)
"All that glitters is not gold; all that wander are not lost."

(all,funny,science)
"Little Johnny was a boy. He isn't anymore. For what he thought was H₂0 Was H₂S0₄"

(all,funny)
"A wise man knows everything, a shrewd man knows everybody."

(all,funny)
"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."

(all,funny)
"Hell is being intelligent in a world full of idiots."

(all,friends,funny)
"A friend is someone who will help you move. A real friend is someone who will help you move a body."

(all,funny)
"A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't."

(all,funny)
"Anyone who uses the phrase 'easy as taking candy from a baby' has never tried taking candy from a baby."

(all,funny,movies)
"Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets."

(all,funny,movies)
"Oh, come on. If you can't laugh at the walking dead, who can you laugh at?"

(all,funny)
"And remember, no matter where you go, there you are."

(all,funny)
"People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs."

(all,funny)
"What if this weren't a hypothetical question?"

(all,funny,stupidity)
"Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity."

(all,funny)
"My Karma ran over your dogma."

(all,funny)
"I'm not worried about the bullet with my name on it... just the thousands out there marked 'Occupant.'"

(all,funny,stupidity)
"Fools rush in where fools have been before."

(all,funny,stupidity)
"Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege."

(all,funny,stupidity)
"Barnum was wrong - it's more like every 30 seconds."

(all,funny)
"An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible."

(all,funny)
"Antonym, n.: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of."

(all,funny)
"All power corrupts, but we need the electricity."

(all,funny,stupidity)
"A wise man can see more from the bottom of a well than a fool can from a mountain top ."

(all,bravery)
"A coward dies a thousand deaths, the brave just one."

(all,funny)
"A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice."

(all,funny,psychology)
"A magician pulls rabbits out of hats. An experimental psychologist pulls habits out of rats."

(all,funny)
"Better to get up late and be wide awake than to get up early and be asleep all day."

(all,funny,war)
"The best defense against the atom bomb is not to be there when it goes off."

(all,funny)
"Write a wise saying and your name will live forever."

(all,funny)
"I am a Marxist--of the Groucho tendency."

(all,science,magic)
"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic."

(all,funny)
"Dull women have immaculate homes."

(all,funny)
"No brains, no headache."

(all,funny,wisdom)
"We have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent than from the machinations of the wicked."

(all,funny,poetry,writing)
"Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down."

(all,funny)
"Computers allow humans to make mistakes at the fastest speeds known, with the possible exception of tequila and handguns"

(all,funny,wisdom)
"Follow cigarsmoke, find fat man there..."

(all,funny,coffee)
"It is by the juice of the coffee bean that thoughts acquire speed, the teeth acquire stains. The stains become a warning."

(all,funny)
"Build a man a fire, he's warm for one night. Set him on fire, and he's warm for the rest of his life."

(all,inspiration)
"The greatest disloyalty one can offer to great pioneers is to refuse to move an inch from where they stood."

(all,funny,religion,atheism)
"Know what I like about atheists? I've yet to meet one that believes God is on their side."

(all,funny,wordgame,nonsense)
"Foam loam trouble tracery. Purge spindle and masticate."

(all,funny,mathematics)
"Do you know why 2 is odd? It's the only even prime number."

(all,funny,work)
"If a job's not worth doing, it's not worth doing right."

(all,funny,presidents,politics)
"We traded in a whoremonger for a warmonger, and some people think that's progress."

(all,funny,government)
"Sure you can trust your government...Just ask an Indian."

(all,wisdom)
"Beware of he who would restrict you from information, for in his heart he dreams himself your master."

(all,funny)
"If you can keep your head when all around you are loosing theirs, there's probably something you don't know."

(all,funny)
"We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?"

(funny, science, education)
"Undergrads think they know everything, graduates know they know nothing and PhDs know everyone else knows nothing."

(all,funny,stupidity)
"Never argue with idiots: They'll drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience."

(funny)
"The working man is fit and fed, and stabs the sluggard in his bed."

(fatalism,philosophy)
"Life sucks and then you die."